It should be no surprise that I feel distant from you. I've been angry and frustrated that I'm not hearing from you. I haven't wanted to spend time with you.
But you are with me...
I see in this moment that there is beauty in the struggle. Struggle means there is life and breath. The greater danger is numbness and lethargy. The unrest in my heart is a grace. A battle can be a good thing and right now my flesh and my spirit are warring over my faith. Thank you for not letting me stay complacent in my self-sufficiency. Thank you that I am seeing now how much I need you. Keep showing me. But please be gentle with me, as you are so faithful to be.
Thank you for your patience...allowing me to work out my salvation. You are working it out in me (Philippians 2:12-13). Help me fight. Remind me to put on your armor every day. When I step out the door without my shield I am defenseless against the fiery darts of the Accuser. Guard my mind. Strengthen my faith.
Forgive me also for my short-sightedness. When I attempt to live by my own strength, my gaze turns inward. Like a horse with blinders on, I am unaware of the world around me. My petty cravings and discomforts infect my mind. I lose sight of the Kingdom. It becomes "my will be done, not thine." If the Kingdom is a green, fertile land with rich soil waiting to be tilled and grain ready for harvesting, then my short-sighted territory of self-sufficiency is a parched desert. Step after step on hard packed earth and no water in sight.
It is lonely there.
I feel defenseless and seek protection in houses built on sand. I have let myself become swallowed up in one of those sinking frames.
So God I confess my deep desire for the approval, applause, and acceptance of man. I lay my insecurity before you. There was a time when I rested in your steadfast love. Help me to take back that piece of ground the enemy has stolen from me (Psalm 44:5). Seeking man's approval does not please you. It distorts my thinking and leaves me feeling less-than. Which leads to more striving. It's a toxic, pointless cycle. And I'm done.
I repent. You are enough. Fill this specific cavern with your truth. Truth frees.
Thank you for your perfect love. Thank you for hearing my prayers and responding. God, you are a refuge for me. You are a refuge. A safe place. A trustworthy haven. Oh, that I might know you, LORD! Let me press on to know you. You will respond to me as surely as the arrival of dawn or the coming of rain in early spring (Hosea 6:3). All glory to YOU.
Let it be.
O God, you are my God; earnestly I seek you;
my soul thirsts for you; my flesh faints for you,
as in a dry and weary land where there is no water.
So I have looked upon you in the sanctuary, beholding your power and glory.
Because your steadfast love is better than life, my lips will praise you.
Psalm 62:1-4