Hold Fast

Two years ago today, we said goodbye-for-now to my sweet Grandma. She was ready to leave this earth, but she is so missed. I've thought of her a lot over these past few months. I take a long time to process big changes. This morning, I'm sad that my newest baby won't know her Great-Grandma this side of heaven. 

The morning after we laid Grandma to rest, we departed for our much-anticipated trip to Germany with my parents and brother. Since we were on a once in a lifetime trip, I took tons of pictures. It is strange to have that first week of processing documented so thoroughly. After the above photo was taken in the courtyard of Neuschwanstein Castle, we went back to our hotel and I cried myself to sleep. I remember how exhausted I felt, after spending three days in the hospital saying goodbye, helping plan a funeral for the first time, an overseas flight with three small kids...and trying to balance it all with enjoying the beautiful trip my dad had blessed us with. 

Later in the trip, I posted this on instagram with the caption, "Today I was happy and sad." My pastor's wife told me, "Just keep riding the grief wave and enjoy the happy when it comes." I've often thought of what she said. It comes in waves - grief - and in all different forms: shock, heartbreak, yearning, anger, exhaustion, humor, frustration, numbness, rawness.

All you can do is hold fast. And when you begin to slip, ask for help. 

"From the ends of the earth will I cry unto thee, when my heart is overwhelmed: lead me to the rock that is higher than I." Psalm 61

Happy heavenly anniversary, Grandma. I love you. 

Psalm 107

Since I've last updated this blog, my family walked through a fairly difficult several months. My husband wrecked his motorcycle the week before I gave birth to our fourth baby, he was off work for two months, then developed a very painful case of shingles (at age 30!). During all of that we dealt with normal daily life issues...a broken oven, an emergency root canal, a physically painful third trimester. I was in desperate need of a break. One evening, when our busy house was finally quiet and tidy after a long day of noise and mess, I got to thinking and praying...and decided to make a stand on what I know. Circumstances are wild and shifty and unfaithful. The truth is all I have anyway. I shared this on my instagram that night, and I keep coming back to it. 

If nothing else, this season of physical affliction has proven this true for us. We have bruised bones and fresh scars, labor pain and sleepless nights, a savings account that's been hit with crisis after crisis, news headlines that scream condemnation and fear, and now viral nerve pain and exhaustion. How ironic and probably not-coincidental is it that I've been saturated in Psalm 107 for months? 

"LORD, help!" they cried in their trouble, and he rescued them from their distress. Let them praise the LORD for his great love and for the wonderful things he has done for them. 

Rescue: He did, He is, He will. 

Good Enough

Stranger, glancing at my three daughters and then pointing at my belly: "Is it a boy?"
Me: "We aren't finding out, so we'll see!"
Stranger: "I'm betting boy. God wouldn't be so cruel."

This really happened. I actually receive similar remarks often, usually in earshot of my precious children...who were handpicked by God to be GIRLS, to be our DAUGHTERS, and to be SISTERS. If anyone has ever wondered if we had 2, 3, or now 4 children to "get our boy" I assure you that our only motivation was obedience to the Lord's plan and our ridiculous love for our current children. This would still be true if we had a gaggle of boys, had at least one of each genders, had experienced infertility, if the Lord had told us to adopt before having biological children, etc etc etc.




By the way, I exercised self-control and gently told this stranger that my girls are wonderful and we wouldn't change a thing. And afterwards I whispered to each of them, "Mommy and Daddy are so lucky to have you girls."

Moms (and dads)...delight in your children, whoever and however they are. Because the world is going to tell our kids that they are disappointing, that their worth is in what they have to offer, that they need to fit in a mold, that they should try harder...that they aren't enough.

These lies are so powerful because they twist this truth: we really aren't good enough.

BUT.

When Jesus is our Savior and Lord, we get to take on His identity. And He is so completely good enough.

God has united you with Christ Jesus. For our benefit God made him to be wisdom itself. Christ made us right with God; he made us pure and holy, and he freed us from sin. (1 Corinthians 1:30)

I'm praying this over my children tonight:

I fall to my knees and pray to the Father, the Creator of everything in heaven and on earth. I pray that from his glorious, unlimited resources he will empower you with inner strength through his Spirit. Then Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in him. Your roots will grow down into God’s love and keep you strong. And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is. May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God. (Ephesians 3:14-19)