Sing

Forgive me for picking up what I've already laid down at your feet.

That's a prayer I've been mulling over for months now.

Fear and anger and pain grip the heart and can choke it to death. Why do we hold on to poison? No, not hold on to it, we go way beyond that, don't we? I open my heart and carve out a home for it there. I wrap it around myself like a shroud. It becomes my identity inside and out. 

Fear and anger don't stay in manageable little compartments. They breech their borders and seep into every area of life, until they can't be contained by one wounded soul anymore...that's when I lash out. Some people internalize it, some people carry it openly. Either way it kills. 

Sometimes I notice it, or someone points it out to me, so I lay it down. 

I pick it up again.

It's contradictory, but true: we don't have the strength to lay down our hurt and walk away. It's too heavy to let go.

I can’t sing. Not beautifully anyway. The only musical performance you’ll ever hear from me is my nightly rendition of my two year old’s favorites. We snuggle into the glider that has rocked all of my babies, and she requests How Great Thou Art, Amazing Grace, and My Favorite Things (always in that order).

I am not gifted with an amazing vocal range or an ear for pitch.

I share my story. Over the last couple of years, God has built a fire in my heart to testify to what He has done. It started out as a bank of coals, and the more He breathed into my life the higher the flame. It’s undeniable now.

That’s how I sing.

Come and hear, all who fear God,

And I will tell of what He has done for my soul.

I cried to Him with my mouth,

And He was extolled with my tongue,

If I regard wickedness in my heart,

The Lord will not hear;

But certainly God has heard;

He has given heed to the voice of my prayer.

Blessed be God,

Who has not turned away my prayer

Nor His lovingkindness from me.

{Psalm 66:16-20}

A little over a year ago, my husband and I gave our testimony publically for the first time. {Video here, see also The Rescuer and The Aftermath} It was challenging, exhilarating, and a little scary to share that part of our lives with so many people. Ever since, the power of that redemptive chapter in our story has echoed everywhere we go. Even in our home, revisiting that time in our marriage in such detail was difficult, but it added more healing and closure to an already firm foundation of forgiveness.

Every time I feel like God has completed a work in me, He finds another layer to restore.

My family is currently recovering from a season of heartbreaking change. It seems like we experienced every negative symptom that accompanies upheaval - stress, strife, depression, feeling lost -- and were at our breaking point when we finally found relief.

It’s been a solid six months since I felt like myself (hence the radio silence here at Beautiful Things).

A month ago our church held a meeting to pray specifically for revival and healing. I took my two oldest daughters, who both have an autoimmune disease, intending to have them anointed and prayed over. I can’t put into words exactly what I was expecting, since any change in their condition would be a miracle. A small part of my heart whispered maybe…

We met in a beautiful historic firehouse and gathered in rows of circles around the band. We worshiped and prayed, worshiped and prayed, worshiped and prayed. We asked for revival. We claimed our city and its people for Jesus. And then we turned our focus to seeking healing.

God gave me a word through my pastor that I’ll never forget. As the invitation for people needing physical healing unfolded, I was undone:

“If you have a health issue that you think no one cares about…

...Or maybe you know someone who needs healing and you need to stand for them…

...Maybe you got a diagnosis, and received that diagnosis like a curse…”

By this time I was literally crumpled on the floor. I’m pretty sure a stranger held my hand. It was bad, in the best way possible.

Sometimes being relieved of a burden you’ve carried for a long time knocks you down. The fear of my children dying had gripped my soul tight for over a year, and letting go of that curse was incredibly scary and painful. And I was so sad to realize that I hadn’t been trusting Jesus with my kids. As if I could love them better than their Creator and Savior.

That night changed everything. My kids weren’t miraculously healed (although we’re still believing that God can and will physically heal them) but their sweet little 6 and 4 year old foreheads were anointed and blessed and affirmed. And I’m telling you: God changed me. I’m not afraid anymore. He’s brought me to a place of safety and peace that I never imagined possible.

Like I said, we don't have the strength to lay down our hurt. Only Jesus can. But He is kind and good and will take it as soon as you let Him.

I want a life full of wild hope and unbridled joy - and I think I’m finally starting to taste it.

"My Lighthouse"
Rend Collective

In my wrestling and in my doubts

In my failures You won't walk out

Your great love will lead me through

You are the peace in my troubled sea

You are the peace in my troubled sea

In the silence, You won't let go

In my questions, Your truth will hold

Your great love will lead me through

You are the peace in my troubled sea

You are the peace in my troubled sea

My Lighthouse, my lighthouse

Shining in the darkness, I will follow You

My Lighthouse, my Lighthouse

I will trust the promise,

You will carry me safe to shore (Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh)

Safe to shore (Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh)

Safe to shore (Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh)

Safe to shore

I won't fear what tomorrow brings

With each morning I'll rise and sing

My God's love will lead me through

You are the peace in my troubled sea

You are the peace in my troubled sea

Fire before us, You're the brightest

You will lead us through the storms

The Weapon of Choice

I (Bethany) wrote this as a guest post on my church's blog this week and decided to post it here as well.

This past Saturday I spontaneously decided to attend a seminar put on by Free the Captives, a Houston-based non-profit organization that fights human trafficking. I like conferences, workshops, seminars, etc., but honestly, I was not looking forward to this one.

I love that the people of Bayou City Fellowship have such a heart for the nations, including our own soil. There is a great longing in many of our hears to see human trafficking abolished in Houston and the world, and brave warriors are fighting that battle daily. I heard and saw things (we were shown a video of a reverse sting at a hotel) on Saturday that I'd like to forget. The passion of each speaker was evident, the information was helpful, and the stories were moving. We celebrated victories. But the day was very heavy, as I expected it to be. I was reminded of Ephesians 6:12: "For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness."

What do we do about that? How do we fight the "cosmic darkness"? Dare we try? Oh yes, brothers and sisters, we must. And take heart:

"The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds." (2 Cor. 10:4)

I left the conference a little early, but not before hearing a powerful word about how we are to do battle. Leigh Kohler is no stranger to many of you. She is on the board of As Our Own and was the final speaker I heard on Saturday. Her topic: The Power of Prayer in the Fight Against Human Trafficking. Prayer, as Leigh pointed out, is part of our inheritance as saints. It is anything but a worldly weapon. I have thinking a lot lately about the relationship between prayer and faith. They are inseparable. This may sound like an elementary principle, but it's been revolutionary for me. Looking back (not very far), when my faith has been weak, I have been prayerless. Lately I have been asking God for an explosion of faith, and I've recently realized that one of the fruits of faith is prayer! Faith is believing God. When we know who God is and we believe what He says, we pray differently. And when we see Him answer our prayers, our faith is strengthened. Do you see the cycle?

We serve a God who chooses to be affected by our prayers. Let's not waste our time debating how or why He does...let's get on with it!

Do you want to see girls rescued from trafficking? Pray!
Do you want your husband or wife or kids to know Jesus? Pray.
Do you want your faith to be strengthened? Are you aching for revival? PRAY.

THIS is how we do battle. Every battle.

"And that about wraps it up. God is strong, and he wants you strong. So take everything the Master has set out for you, well-made weapons of the best materials. And put them to use so you will be able to stand up to everything the Devil throws your way. This is no afternoon athletic contest that we’ll walk away from and forget about in a couple of hours. This is for keeps, a life-or-death fight to the finish against the Devil and all his angels.

Be prepared. You’re up against far more than you can handle on your own. Take all the help you can get, every weapon God has issued, so that when it’s all over but the shouting you’ll still be on your feet. Truth, righteousness, peace, faith, and salvation are more than words. Learn how to apply them. You’ll need them throughout your life. God’s Word is an indispensable weapon. In the same way, prayer is essential in this ongoing warfare. Pray hard and long."

Ephesians 6:10-18, The Message

All Things New

{This is a continuation of my marriage testimony. Earlier chapters can be found here: The Rescuer and The Aftermath. Blessings, M}

{One more note - I decided to let go of fear and just present this openly. This topic isn't something I'm completely comfortable discussing but God pressed this two-part post on my heart a couple of weeks ago and hasn't let me ignore it. Please remember that your story is different from mine, and I'm speaking from my personal experience and addressing wives in general. I pray that what I say doesn't shame or condemn, but shares grace and hope and encouragement!}

After the affair, our already troubled intimate relationship screeched to a halt. I locked the door behind me when I got dressed in the morning. I shied away from even casual physical contact. We may have been sleeping in the same bed, but there was no flirtation or romance there. Healthy sex always requires trust, and I felt betrayed in every way possible.

As we progressed in our recovery, our roommate set up got more and more awkward. We were slowly mending the torn places in our friendship, and moving back into a God/Husband/Wife covenant relationship. We were talking about intimacy constantly, but physically...I was still pretty freaked out, to be honest. I was just so hurt that he had shared that experience with someone else. And since we're doing real talk today (eek!) I was intimidated. What if she was better than me? That was a LIE whispered by the enemy, by the way. A husband and wife are bound together in every way possible and that's what makes intimacy in marriage so amazing. No one else gets to experience that.

Restless night after night in my bed, I longed and looked for my soul's true love;
I searched for him, but I could not find him.
I will get up now and search the city, wander up and down streets and plazas;
I will look for my soul's true love.
I searched for him, but I could not find him.
The watchmen found me as they kept watch on the silent city.
"Have you seen my soul's true love?" I asked.
Not long after I left them, I found him - I found my soul's true love.
Song of Solomon 3:1-4 The Voice translation

I vividly remember the day I knew I could trust him again. But even that realization scared me. And it surprised us both, I think. We had been fighting each other and the enemy for so long. We were scarred, scared, and weary. This was the scariest step in our healing process. The restoration of our intimate relationship was like a new beginning. Yes, the baggage and pain and struggle remained, but not for long. He makes all things new.

"I will not cause pain without allowing something new to be born," says the LORD.
Isaiah 66:9 NCV

I can't finish this post until I tell you something I've learned. Believe me, I tried. I was all done typing and about to publish this, but I just have to say one more thing: Yes, marriage - and sex - is spiritual and reflects the beautiful, mysterious, sacred relationship between Christ and the Church. But you know what else? It's fun. It's something you and your husband can do that doesn't require talking (which is a relief for both of us sometimes). It's something special and secret for just the two of you. It's healing. It's reassuring. It's close. As I've said, marriage is more than just a physical relationship. But at the same time, the physical part of marriage is so important. Don't discount the power of sex when it comes to winning the heart of your husband and protecting your marriage.

I am so grateful that I chose forgiveness. Today, my marriage brings me such joy. The beauty of a soul that is secure in love is dazzling. I see that light in my husband, our children, and me. We are free to proclaim life and freedom and joy. It took some painful demolition, but rebuilding our lives, the right way this time, was the best thing that ever happened to me. I would never have chosen it, but God has used this journey to heal my soul.

For all things are for your sakes, so that the grace which is spreading to more and more people may cause the giving of thanks to abound to the glory of God.
Therefore we do not lose heart, but though our outer man is decaying, yet our inner man is being renewed day by day. For momentary, light affliction is producing for us an eternal weight of glory far beyond all comparison...
2 Corinthians 4:15-17

While the specifics look different for everyone, we are all equally called to forgive. Whether you are in a troubled marriage, a rebuilding marriage, a ho-hum marriage, an awesome marriage, or even had a marriage end, forgiveness is essential no matter what. I wrote about forgiveness here and I have a feeling I will be writing more soon. However tired you are, give yourself and those around you - especially your husband - grace. And cling tight to Him. Drink deep from the limitless fountain the Holy Spirit longs to pour into your soul. No darkness or pain could exhaust it. He will never fail you.

Taste and See

I wonder if anyone else out there is just overwhelmed with the goodness of our God? I can speak casually of his goodness all day long, some days with more oomph than others. Then there are times when I stand in slack-jawed amazement. Today is one of those days.

In case you are wondering, or even possibly getting a bit envious, no, everything in my life is not rosy. There is uncertainty, brokenness, busyness, and baggage. But no circumstance or measure of hardship--or maybe in your case, heartbreak--affects his goodness. Aren't you glad? It's certainly easier to believe at some times more than others. Did you know that more often than not (according to my very quick research) when a psalmist is declaring the goodness of God it is either preceded by or precedes a cry of distress or remembrance of hardship? Here are a few examples:

• Psalm 25
• vs. 8 - "Good and upright is the LORD; therefore he instructs sinners in the way."
• vs. 16 - "Turn to me and be gracious to me, for I am lonely and afflicted."
•  Psalm 34
• vs. 8 - "Oh, taste and see that the LORD is good! Blessed is the man who takes refuge in him!"
• vs. 18 - "The LORD is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit."
• Psalm 69
• vs. 16 - "Answer me, O LORD, for your steadfast love is good; according to your abundant mercy, turn to me."
• vs. 17 - "Hide not your face from your servant; for I am in distress; make haste to answer me."
• Psalm 86
• vs. 5 - "For you, O Lord, are good and forgiving, abounding in steadfast love to all who call upon you."
• vs. 1 - "Incline your ear, O LORD, and answer me, for I am poor and needy."
• Psalm 107
• vs. 1, 9 - "Oh give thanks to the LORD, for he is good, for his steadfast love endures forever!...For he satisfies the longing soul, and the hungry soul he fills with good things."
• vs. - "Let the redeemed of the LORD say so, whom he has redeemed from trouble."

His goodness is our hope and our healing, our deliverance and our daily bread, our comfort, our sanity, our solid rock. And you better believe it is also our joy, our satisfaction, and a reason to sing.

I have been so abundantly blessed. (No thanks to me! "Every good and perfect gift is from above"-James 1:17) I have asked God for so many things--material, relational, spiritual--and he has gone above and beyond. But the joy is not in those things or people or opportunities, even though they are good things that do bring joy to my life. What brings me to my knees with my jaw on the floor and tears of gratitude stinging my eyes is my good God. 

I wonder if he has been good to you? I know he has, because you woke up this morning with breath in your lungs. And maybe in this season of life the fact that you lived to see another day is the only good thing you feel you can declare, because sometimes life is so painful and not good. But today, will you join me in declaring His goodness? Psalm 147:1 says, "Praise the LORD! For it is good to sing praises to our God; for it is pleasant, and a song of praise is fitting." I woke up today wanting to sing him a song. I'd love for us to sing together, but due to the screen between us that would be rather difficult. I would love for you to leave a comment, though. How has he been good to you? You can sing your comment to him if you'd like. After all, it is fitting.

"They shall pour forth the fame of your abundant goodness and shall sing aloud of your righteousness."

Psalm 145:7