The First Step

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Someone recently asked me how long it takes to forgive, and what that process is like. She wanted to know if what she was experiencing in her darkest, most painful time was normal.

I've forgiven a lot in my life. 

"To be a Christian means to forgive the inexcusable because God has forgiven the inexcusable in you." - C. S. Lewis

It's not an expertise I would have chosen, but I do know how to forgive. I learned the hard way (as usual). My friend was hurt deeply by someone she trusted, and wants to save the relationship, but is still reeling from the sting of unfaithfulness and deception.

I told her this: when you are hurt, seemingly beyond repair, there is hope. There is always hope.

Forgiveness is a decision. It's not an emotion (although sometimes it's extremely emotional) and it's not something that can be done halfway. I've seen partial forgiveness, or "conditional" forgiveness, destroy people. Unforgiveness poisons the healing process with bitterness, mistrust, and vengeance. "Relationships are built on trust" and I can tell you it's impossible to trust someone you haven't forgiven. I decided to forgive my husband six years ago. It didn't lessen the pain of betrayal or make me any less grief-stricken or angry. But it gave me hope. It made a future together seem possible again. It released me from the false responsibility of punishing him. It freed me from being a victim.

Forgiveness is a decision. Sometimes a relationship is damaged beyond repair - the hurt is too deep, the sin against you too grave. Or perhaps worst of all, you are the only one who wants reconciliation. But unforgiveness will only make that chasm, which already aches, collapse into your very soul and cling tight. Sometimes healing isn't about fixing a relationship. Sometimes the hope is that after we walk through fire, we choose forgiveness that keeps our scars from defining us.

"I have decided to stick with love. Hate is too great a burden to bear." - Martin Luthor King, Jr

Forgiveness is a decision. Healing is a journey. And forgiveness is the first step. (Watch out, it's a doozy.)

So, when you want to forgive but aren't feeling it....what then? A broken heart hurts - sometimes it physically hurts - and causes anger and suspicion and grief. And it's ok to feel those emotions. Honestly it be a little weird if you didn't! But what I've learned is that I can't trust my emotions. What I can trust is the truth: there is always, always hope. Hope always follows after forgiveness.

Suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. Now hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us. Romans 5:3-5

Make the decision, and be free. A free soul, once healed, will be strong enough to trust and love again.