{One more note - I decided to let go of fear and just present this openly. This topic isn't something I'm completely comfortable discussing but God pressed this two-part post on my heart a couple of weeks ago and hasn't let me ignore it. Please remember that your story is different from mine, and I'm speaking from my personal experience and addressing wives in general. I pray that what I say doesn't shame or condemn, but shares grace and hope and encouragement!}
After the affair, our already troubled intimate relationship screeched to a halt. I locked the door behind me when I got dressed in the morning. I shied away from even casual physical contact. We may have been sleeping in the same bed, but there was no flirtation or romance there. Healthy sex always requires trust, and I felt betrayed in every way possible.
As we progressed in our recovery, our roommate set up got more and more awkward. We were slowly mending the torn places in our friendship, and moving back into a God/Husband/Wife covenant relationship. We were talking about intimacy constantly, but physically...I was still pretty freaked out, to be honest. I was just so hurt that he had shared that experience with someone else. And since we're doing real talk today (eek!) I was intimidated. What if she was better than me? That was a LIE whispered by the enemy, by the way. A husband and wife are bound together in every way possible and that's what makes intimacy in marriage so amazing. No one else gets to experience that.
Restless night after night in my bed, I longed and looked for my soul's true love;
I searched for him, but I could not find him.
I will get up now and search the city, wander up and down streets and plazas;
I will look for my soul's true love.
I searched for him, but I could not find him.
The watchmen found me as they kept watch on the silent city.
"Have you seen my soul's true love?" I asked.
Not long after I left them, I found him - I found my soul's true love.
Song of Solomon 3:1-4 The Voice translation
I vividly remember the day I knew I could trust him again. But even that realization scared me. And it surprised us both, I think. We had been fighting each other and the enemy for so long. We were scarred, scared, and weary. This was the scariest step in our healing process. The restoration of our intimate relationship was like a new beginning. Yes, the baggage and pain and struggle remained, but not for long. He makes all things new.
"I will not cause pain without allowing something new to be born," says the LORD.
Isaiah 66:9 NCV
I can't finish this post until I tell you something I've learned. Believe me, I tried. I was all done typing and about to publish this, but I just have to say one more thing: Yes, marriage - and sex - is spiritual and reflects the beautiful, mysterious, sacred relationship between Christ and the Church. But you know what else? It's fun. It's something you and your husband can do that doesn't require talking (which is a relief for both of us sometimes). It's something special and secret for just the two of you. It's healing. It's reassuring. It's close. As I've said, marriage is more than just a physical relationship. But at the same time, the physical part of marriage is so important. Don't discount the power of sex when it comes to winning the heart of your husband and protecting your marriage.
I am so grateful that I chose forgiveness. Today, my marriage brings me such joy. The beauty of a soul that is secure in love is dazzling. I see that light in my husband, our children, and me. We are free to proclaim life and freedom and joy. It took some painful demolition, but rebuilding our lives, the right way this time, was the best thing that ever happened to me. I would never have chosen it, but God has used this journey to heal my soul.
For all things are for your sakes, so that the grace which is spreading to more and more people may cause the giving of thanks to abound to the glory of God.
Therefore we do not lose heart, but though our outer man is decaying, yet our inner man is being renewed day by day. For momentary, light affliction is producing for us an eternal weight of glory far beyond all comparison...
2 Corinthians 4:15-17
While the specifics look different for everyone, we are all equally called to forgive. Whether you are in a troubled marriage, a rebuilding marriage, a ho-hum marriage, an awesome marriage, or even had a marriage end, forgiveness is essential no matter what. I wrote about forgiveness here and I have a feeling I will be writing more soon. However tired you are, give yourself and those around you - especially your husband - grace. And cling tight to Him. Drink deep from the limitless fountain the Holy Spirit longs to pour into your soul. No darkness or pain could exhaust it. He will never fail you.