For My Daughter

My sweet Riley Jane,

I can't wait to meet you! You are squirming around in my tummy like you do every day...so active. In about six weeks I'll be able to see the faces you're making as you stretch your little arms. I wonder what you look like. Do you have your daddy's olive skin and brown eyes? Or will you have blue eyes like the other Money girls? I bet you have dark brown hair.
You will be beautiful.
You already are.

I saw a passage this morning from Psalm 139. I've read it since I was a child, but it struck me fresh today.

"For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my informed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there were none of them." (Psalm 139:13-16)

Jesus sees you, Little One. Do you see Him? Does He sing you to sleep and rock you when you need to be calmed? He knows you better than I ever will. He loves you far more than I or your daddy ever can. Nothing will ever make Him stop loving you. I pray that you love Him with all of your heart, mind, soul, and strength.

You are going to be strong, because He will be your strength. You will be brave, because Jesus will never leave you. As much as I want to keep you safe forever, God never called us to live safe lives. He is our safety. So go with Him, wherever that may be. He will teach me how to let you go. You're His anyway.

I can't believe I have the honor of being your mommy. I've wanted to be a mom for as long as I can remember. You are my biggest dream come true. I'm not going to do everything right; I'm going to make mistakes every day. We will have to exchange grace often. People say that parents know what's best for their children, but I think sometimes we're just clueless. Thank God He really does know what's best for you. I want to be a good example for you of what it looks like to seek Him and His best. I need Jesus so badly. His ways are perfect.

I can't wait to see how creative He was with you. What quirks will you have? Will you be talkative or pensive? Will you like dolls or bugs or both? Will you love being outdoors? WIll you have your daddy's athletic ability? None of these things are good or bad, but they are or aren't placed within you for a reason. That reason is for God's great glory. Period. So find out how to use whatever combination of gifts, abilities, personality traits that He gave you to bring Him glory, and you will never live a life of purposelessness. Love Him, love others...it's what you were created to do.

As I write this I am sitting in the rocking chair in your (adorable) room. Soon I will be rocking with you in my arms. I will stroke your soft skin and smell your newborn head and memorize every little wrinkle in your tiny hands. We'll have good conversations in this chair. You may scream a lot in this chair. We will probably cry here together. I have no illusions in my head that this mothering thing will be easy. It will be harder than anything else I'll ever do. But that doesn't change the truth behind these words I've just written. As I hold you, Jesus will hold me. He's got this. He really does make beautiful things.

I love you in ways I can't even say, Riley Jane. See you soon.

Love, Mommy

Sing

Forgive me for picking up what I've already laid down at your feet.

That's a prayer I've been mulling over for months now.

Fear and anger and pain grip the heart and can choke it to death. Why do we hold on to poison? No, not hold on to it, we go way beyond that, don't we? I open my heart and carve out a home for it there. I wrap it around myself like a shroud. It becomes my identity inside and out. 

Fear and anger don't stay in manageable little compartments. They breech their borders and seep into every area of life, until they can't be contained by one wounded soul anymore...that's when I lash out. Some people internalize it, some people carry it openly. Either way it kills. 

Sometimes I notice it, or someone points it out to me, so I lay it down. 

I pick it up again.

It's contradictory, but true: we don't have the strength to lay down our hurt and walk away. It's too heavy to let go.

I can’t sing. Not beautifully anyway. The only musical performance you’ll ever hear from me is my nightly rendition of my two year old’s favorites. We snuggle into the glider that has rocked all of my babies, and she requests How Great Thou Art, Amazing Grace, and My Favorite Things (always in that order).

I am not gifted with an amazing vocal range or an ear for pitch.

I share my story. Over the last couple of years, God has built a fire in my heart to testify to what He has done. It started out as a bank of coals, and the more He breathed into my life the higher the flame. It’s undeniable now.

That’s how I sing.

Come and hear, all who fear God,

And I will tell of what He has done for my soul.

I cried to Him with my mouth,

And He was extolled with my tongue,

If I regard wickedness in my heart,

The Lord will not hear;

But certainly God has heard;

He has given heed to the voice of my prayer.

Blessed be God,

Who has not turned away my prayer

Nor His lovingkindness from me.

{Psalm 66:16-20}

A little over a year ago, my husband and I gave our testimony publically for the first time. {Video here, see also The Rescuer and The Aftermath} It was challenging, exhilarating, and a little scary to share that part of our lives with so many people. Ever since, the power of that redemptive chapter in our story has echoed everywhere we go. Even in our home, revisiting that time in our marriage in such detail was difficult, but it added more healing and closure to an already firm foundation of forgiveness.

Every time I feel like God has completed a work in me, He finds another layer to restore.

My family is currently recovering from a season of heartbreaking change. It seems like we experienced every negative symptom that accompanies upheaval - stress, strife, depression, feeling lost -- and were at our breaking point when we finally found relief.

It’s been a solid six months since I felt like myself (hence the radio silence here at Beautiful Things).

A month ago our church held a meeting to pray specifically for revival and healing. I took my two oldest daughters, who both have an autoimmune disease, intending to have them anointed and prayed over. I can’t put into words exactly what I was expecting, since any change in their condition would be a miracle. A small part of my heart whispered maybe…

We met in a beautiful historic firehouse and gathered in rows of circles around the band. We worshiped and prayed, worshiped and prayed, worshiped and prayed. We asked for revival. We claimed our city and its people for Jesus. And then we turned our focus to seeking healing.

God gave me a word through my pastor that I’ll never forget. As the invitation for people needing physical healing unfolded, I was undone:

“If you have a health issue that you think no one cares about…

...Or maybe you know someone who needs healing and you need to stand for them…

...Maybe you got a diagnosis, and received that diagnosis like a curse…”

By this time I was literally crumpled on the floor. I’m pretty sure a stranger held my hand. It was bad, in the best way possible.

Sometimes being relieved of a burden you’ve carried for a long time knocks you down. The fear of my children dying had gripped my soul tight for over a year, and letting go of that curse was incredibly scary and painful. And I was so sad to realize that I hadn’t been trusting Jesus with my kids. As if I could love them better than their Creator and Savior.

That night changed everything. My kids weren’t miraculously healed (although we’re still believing that God can and will physically heal them) but their sweet little 6 and 4 year old foreheads were anointed and blessed and affirmed. And I’m telling you: God changed me. I’m not afraid anymore. He’s brought me to a place of safety and peace that I never imagined possible.

Like I said, we don't have the strength to lay down our hurt. Only Jesus can. But He is kind and good and will take it as soon as you let Him.

I want a life full of wild hope and unbridled joy - and I think I’m finally starting to taste it.

"My Lighthouse"
Rend Collective

In my wrestling and in my doubts

In my failures You won't walk out

Your great love will lead me through

You are the peace in my troubled sea

You are the peace in my troubled sea

In the silence, You won't let go

In my questions, Your truth will hold

Your great love will lead me through

You are the peace in my troubled sea

You are the peace in my troubled sea

My Lighthouse, my lighthouse

Shining in the darkness, I will follow You

My Lighthouse, my Lighthouse

I will trust the promise,

You will carry me safe to shore (Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh)

Safe to shore (Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh)

Safe to shore (Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh)

Safe to shore

I won't fear what tomorrow brings

With each morning I'll rise and sing

My God's love will lead me through

You are the peace in my troubled sea

You are the peace in my troubled sea

Fire before us, You're the brightest

You will lead us through the storms

The Weapon of Choice

I (Bethany) wrote this as a guest post on my church's blog this week and decided to post it here as well.

This past Saturday I spontaneously decided to attend a seminar put on by Free the Captives, a Houston-based non-profit organization that fights human trafficking. I like conferences, workshops, seminars, etc., but honestly, I was not looking forward to this one.

I love that the people of Bayou City Fellowship have such a heart for the nations, including our own soil. There is a great longing in many of our hears to see human trafficking abolished in Houston and the world, and brave warriors are fighting that battle daily. I heard and saw things (we were shown a video of a reverse sting at a hotel) on Saturday that I'd like to forget. The passion of each speaker was evident, the information was helpful, and the stories were moving. We celebrated victories. But the day was very heavy, as I expected it to be. I was reminded of Ephesians 6:12: "For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness."

What do we do about that? How do we fight the "cosmic darkness"? Dare we try? Oh yes, brothers and sisters, we must. And take heart:

"The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds." (2 Cor. 10:4)

I left the conference a little early, but not before hearing a powerful word about how we are to do battle. Leigh Kohler is no stranger to many of you. She is on the board of As Our Own and was the final speaker I heard on Saturday. Her topic: The Power of Prayer in the Fight Against Human Trafficking. Prayer, as Leigh pointed out, is part of our inheritance as saints. It is anything but a worldly weapon. I have thinking a lot lately about the relationship between prayer and faith. They are inseparable. This may sound like an elementary principle, but it's been revolutionary for me. Looking back (not very far), when my faith has been weak, I have been prayerless. Lately I have been asking God for an explosion of faith, and I've recently realized that one of the fruits of faith is prayer! Faith is believing God. When we know who God is and we believe what He says, we pray differently. And when we see Him answer our prayers, our faith is strengthened. Do you see the cycle?

We serve a God who chooses to be affected by our prayers. Let's not waste our time debating how or why He does...let's get on with it!

Do you want to see girls rescued from trafficking? Pray!
Do you want your husband or wife or kids to know Jesus? Pray.
Do you want your faith to be strengthened? Are you aching for revival? PRAY.

THIS is how we do battle. Every battle.

"And that about wraps it up. God is strong, and he wants you strong. So take everything the Master has set out for you, well-made weapons of the best materials. And put them to use so you will be able to stand up to everything the Devil throws your way. This is no afternoon athletic contest that we’ll walk away from and forget about in a couple of hours. This is for keeps, a life-or-death fight to the finish against the Devil and all his angels.

Be prepared. You’re up against far more than you can handle on your own. Take all the help you can get, every weapon God has issued, so that when it’s all over but the shouting you’ll still be on your feet. Truth, righteousness, peace, faith, and salvation are more than words. Learn how to apply them. You’ll need them throughout your life. God’s Word is an indispensable weapon. In the same way, prayer is essential in this ongoing warfare. Pray hard and long."

Ephesians 6:10-18, The Message