Sing

Forgive me for picking up what I've already laid down at your feet.

That's a prayer I've been mulling over for months now.

Fear and anger and pain grip the heart and can choke it to death. Why do we hold on to poison? No, not hold on to it, we go way beyond that, don't we? I open my heart and carve out a home for it there. I wrap it around myself like a shroud. It becomes my identity inside and out. 

Fear and anger don't stay in manageable little compartments. They breech their borders and seep into every area of life, until they can't be contained by one wounded soul anymore...that's when I lash out. Some people internalize it, some people carry it openly. Either way it kills. 

Sometimes I notice it, or someone points it out to me, so I lay it down. 

I pick it up again.

It's contradictory, but true: we don't have the strength to lay down our hurt and walk away. It's too heavy to let go.

I can’t sing. Not beautifully anyway. The only musical performance you’ll ever hear from me is my nightly rendition of my two year old’s favorites. We snuggle into the glider that has rocked all of my babies, and she requests How Great Thou Art, Amazing Grace, and My Favorite Things (always in that order).

I am not gifted with an amazing vocal range or an ear for pitch.

I share my story. Over the last couple of years, God has built a fire in my heart to testify to what He has done. It started out as a bank of coals, and the more He breathed into my life the higher the flame. It’s undeniable now.

That’s how I sing.

Come and hear, all who fear God,

And I will tell of what He has done for my soul.

I cried to Him with my mouth,

And He was extolled with my tongue,

If I regard wickedness in my heart,

The Lord will not hear;

But certainly God has heard;

He has given heed to the voice of my prayer.

Blessed be God,

Who has not turned away my prayer

Nor His lovingkindness from me.

{Psalm 66:16-20}

A little over a year ago, my husband and I gave our testimony publically for the first time. {Video here, see also The Rescuer and The Aftermath} It was challenging, exhilarating, and a little scary to share that part of our lives with so many people. Ever since, the power of that redemptive chapter in our story has echoed everywhere we go. Even in our home, revisiting that time in our marriage in such detail was difficult, but it added more healing and closure to an already firm foundation of forgiveness.

Every time I feel like God has completed a work in me, He finds another layer to restore.

My family is currently recovering from a season of heartbreaking change. It seems like we experienced every negative symptom that accompanies upheaval - stress, strife, depression, feeling lost -- and were at our breaking point when we finally found relief.

It’s been a solid six months since I felt like myself (hence the radio silence here at Beautiful Things).

A month ago our church held a meeting to pray specifically for revival and healing. I took my two oldest daughters, who both have an autoimmune disease, intending to have them anointed and prayed over. I can’t put into words exactly what I was expecting, since any change in their condition would be a miracle. A small part of my heart whispered maybe…

We met in a beautiful historic firehouse and gathered in rows of circles around the band. We worshiped and prayed, worshiped and prayed, worshiped and prayed. We asked for revival. We claimed our city and its people for Jesus. And then we turned our focus to seeking healing.

God gave me a word through my pastor that I’ll never forget. As the invitation for people needing physical healing unfolded, I was undone:

“If you have a health issue that you think no one cares about…

...Or maybe you know someone who needs healing and you need to stand for them…

...Maybe you got a diagnosis, and received that diagnosis like a curse…”

By this time I was literally crumpled on the floor. I’m pretty sure a stranger held my hand. It was bad, in the best way possible.

Sometimes being relieved of a burden you’ve carried for a long time knocks you down. The fear of my children dying had gripped my soul tight for over a year, and letting go of that curse was incredibly scary and painful. And I was so sad to realize that I hadn’t been trusting Jesus with my kids. As if I could love them better than their Creator and Savior.

That night changed everything. My kids weren’t miraculously healed (although we’re still believing that God can and will physically heal them) but their sweet little 6 and 4 year old foreheads were anointed and blessed and affirmed. And I’m telling you: God changed me. I’m not afraid anymore. He’s brought me to a place of safety and peace that I never imagined possible.

Like I said, we don't have the strength to lay down our hurt. Only Jesus can. But He is kind and good and will take it as soon as you let Him.

I want a life full of wild hope and unbridled joy - and I think I’m finally starting to taste it.

"My Lighthouse"
Rend Collective

In my wrestling and in my doubts

In my failures You won't walk out

Your great love will lead me through

You are the peace in my troubled sea

You are the peace in my troubled sea

In the silence, You won't let go

In my questions, Your truth will hold

Your great love will lead me through

You are the peace in my troubled sea

You are the peace in my troubled sea

My Lighthouse, my lighthouse

Shining in the darkness, I will follow You

My Lighthouse, my Lighthouse

I will trust the promise,

You will carry me safe to shore (Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh)

Safe to shore (Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh)

Safe to shore (Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh)

Safe to shore

I won't fear what tomorrow brings

With each morning I'll rise and sing

My God's love will lead me through

You are the peace in my troubled sea

You are the peace in my troubled sea

Fire before us, You're the brightest

You will lead us through the storms