A Full Reward: Part II

Here is the second half of what I wrote at the beginning of the summer. Read Part I here.

PART II

I’m convinced that one of the ways God keeps me humble is by taking my carefully organized plans, running them through a shredder, recycling the paper (God is not wasteful, you know), and drawing up entirely new blueprints. He never ceases to surprise me. Case in point: I thoroughly expected to be in the Tyler, TX area for four or five years. After that, we would move to Longview with our two (maybe three by then) perfect children and raise our family in Mayberry East Texas, accents and all. When my “second family” moved to the area, it just sealed the deal. They had lived across the country for two years, and now I was never again letting them out of my sight.

Would you like me to help you plug in that shredder, God?

Rewind a little. At the beginning of the year we both sensed that God was moving us. We weren’t sure where, but we were pretty convinced it was Longview. And since that fit in with my plan (Ahead of schedule! Great!), we began to pursue it. We had made some wonderful friends where we were and we loved our house, but we were just feeling unsettled. So Ryan began applying at schools in the Longview area. After several weeks without so much as a nibble, we let the line rest and decided to discuss our options. Keep in mind, this is the first time we were both seeking God together on a major life decision.

One evening we began talking about church. After three years of marriage we still hadn’t found a church home. We attended church wherever we lived, and had even become bona-fide members of a local Baptist church. We had a Sunday school class. I volunteered in a toddler class at AWANA. Ryan served in the youth group at a neighboring church on Wednesday nights. But we never really planted. And it was killing me. Suddenly I had a thought. I truly believe God placed it in my head. I told Ryan, “I think we’ve been approaching this job thing the wrong way. What if we found a church first, then looked for a job?”

Duh. Why did it take three years to figure that out?

I told Ryan that for several months I had felt a connection with a church I had never attended. It was a new church, and I had only attended a women’s event and listened to a few podcasts. But I knew a few incredible people that called it home, and could see the impact this church was having on families and the community. Jesus liked this church. And I wanted to be a part of it. We were supposed to be a part of it. The only problem? It was in Houston.

All through college and the first two years of our marriage I had been ready to dash back to my roots as soon as the opportunity arose. Can you hear the paper shredding? About a year ago I changed my mind. I had fallen in love with East Texas. I love the way people talk, the cow pastures I pass on the way to Wal-Mart, how the entire town travels with the football team on Friday nights, and the slower pace of life. I really was okay not living in Houston. I wanted to be where I was. Bloom where I was planted, that sort of thing. But this church…I just couldn’t get it out of my mind or off of my heart.

Ryan, who was born and raised in Northeast Texas and was itching for a change of scenery, promptly applied to approximately 47 Houston-area schools. Okay, maybe 8. Or 9. Time to sit back and wait for the phone to ring. And it did. From a school in Longview. Of course, we weren’t going to pass up the interview, but I admit, I was completely confused (and even a bit upset) when they offered Ryan the job on the spot. Wasn’t God pleased with how we were looking for a church first? Didn’t he want us at the amazing one in Houston? Six months earlier, a job in LV would have been a dream come true. I would once again be near my “second family”, cheering for my boys (players and coach) on the sidelines on Friday nights. Rainbows and roses. It was ours for the taking.

I needed clear direction, and fast. I just wanted to make the right decision. I wanted to do what God wanted us to do. While praying and fasting one Wednesday morning, I told God that if He wanted us in Houston, one of those 47 schools needed to call Ryan in for an interview. By Friday. (I was specific.)

God doesn’t mess around. He knows our hearts better than we do, because He created us. He knows when I’m pretending, when my motives aren’t pure, and when I legitimately want to please Him. My earnest prayer that Wednesday was that God would know my heart and would test me to see if there was any offensive way in me. I was willing to shred my own plans, if you will. I think this is what the Bible is talking about in Psalm 37 when it says, “Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart.” My desire was (is!) to please Him. May that always ring true in my heart.

Thursday, the phone rang again. An interview was set up at College Park High School in The Woodlands for the following Monday. I was blown away. I had never even heard of that school, but we both knew it was the one. There have definitely been days where I’ve told myself we’re morons for turning down the job in LV. I get nervous about living in the city again, dealing with traffic, the cost of living, a new job, etc. I miss the cow pastures and my one-red-light town and my friends and I haven’t even packed a box yet. Then I think of our new church and I am filled with peace and deep contentment. After the first visit on Easter weekend, before Ryan even had an interview, we felt at home.

I am overcome with thankfulness and humility that Jesus is allowing us to become a part of this House. He doesn’t need us there. But He will use us if we’re willing. I am so excited about getting plugged in and serving that I can hardly stand it. I am hungry for a church that is on fire in their love for Jesus and His people. And these people aren’t playing games. Someone described it the other night by saying, “We are very awake.” They are on a mission. I can see it on their faces and in their worship and feel it in their hugs. They just want to love God more and love people into the Kingdom. I feel so inadequate to be a part of that, but really, we all are. We’re all imperfect brothers and sisters who strive and fall and lift up and encourage. We all have pasts and pride and weaknesses and brokenness. But we are madly in love with a God who restores and humbles and equips and heals and breathes life into dry bones and loves us unconditionally. He is our very life. And He grants us the immense blessing of doing life together and in communion with Him and for Him. It’s all for Him. He is so faithful and good and worthy.

I am giddy thinking about all that is yet to come. This is just the beginning of our new adventure. How will he grow us in the days, months, and years ahead? All I want is to be more like Him and to love Him wildly. I pray that is Ryan’s desire as well. We move into our new home on June 30. There is another blessing. We were getting so discouraged with housing options, but yesterday God dropped the perfect place in our laps. He went above and beyond our expectations. When we left the leasing office I wanted to cry and sing and shout. I was in awe of his goodness and flat-out kindness. He is just so nice to me, and He doesn’t have to be!

Jesus, thank you. Those words sound so pitiful and trite, but you know my heart. I love you so much. Thank you for loving me and for saving me. You are the wildest ride of my life. Help me to love you more…in a way that is not even natural, so that I can only give you credit for it. Please, please give me a heart of humility. Help me to remember where you brought me from, so that I don’t forget. You are bringing me into a good land. I want to take possession of it. I don’t want to miss one single thing. Jesus, I am overwhelmed by your faithfulness. Mold me into the woman you want me to be. I’m here. Use me, shape me. Make me BOLD for you. Thank you in advance for what you are going to do. You who began a good work in me will see it to completion. I love you so. Let it be.

“Faith is not the clinging to a shrine, but an endless pilgrimage of the heart. Audacious longing, burning songs, and impulse overwhelming the heart, usurping the mind—these are all a drive towards serving Him who rings our hearts like a bell.”                                                                        -Abraham Joshua Heschel

A Full Reward: Part I

As much as I don’t like to admit it, I’ve always been one of those people that feels like I don’t have much of a testimony. I was raised in church, my parents never split up, and my most rebellious act in high school was pulling the “I’m 18 and you can’t stop me” card when I wanted to get my cartilage pierced. No, really. I am far from perfect and have plenty of regrets, but the story of how I accepted Jesus as my Savior probably won’t make anyone grab the tissues. I know that my “easy” life is evidence of God’s grace, and I am so thankful that I didn’t have to learn everything the hard way. However, only in the past year have I really felt like I had a story worth sharing. [This was not really the case. It was a cop out.] You see, I’ve realized that a person’s testimony is SO much more than the events and choices leading up to the moment they walk down a church aisle and pray a prayer. Yes, that’s where it starts…but the story doesn’t end there. It’s only the beginning for those who are in Christ. He is always renewing, redeeming, writing my story. YOUR story. My testimony will be different two years from now and ten years from then because Jesus’ work is not done.

            So, for now, here’s what God’s been up to.

(The following was written on May 26, 2013 as a journal entry. I had no intended audience, and the idea of a blog had not crossed my mind. I’ve tweaked some of the wording and directed it towards you, the reader I never planned on having.)

PART I

Need to get my thoughts out. I am so overwhelmed right now, but I think it’s all good. God is so good to me. So I think mainly I’m overwhelmed with His goodness, His kindness…with thankfulness. At the same time I feel so far from where I want to be. So much growing still to come. I just want to be found faithful. Yet I find myself praying the same prayers over and over again. Same failures. Same hopes. Same doubts. I suppose that’s how it goes. How would we ever understand or appreciate His “new mercies” if we got everything right the first time?

I guess I should probably document somewhere what all has been going on in our lives over the last several months. It could make for some fun reading ten or fifty years down the road. This could come as a shock to some of you (or not), but my marriage was on the brink of disaster for a while. I was never really intentional about anything in my marriage until a few months ago. It wasn’t easy, it wasn’t what I thought it would be, and I was hurt as a result of certain choices. So why try? Let’s just live our lives under the same roof, but as two completely independent individuals. Suffice to say there was never really a “honeymoon phase” for us.

And it’s always two-sided. Yes, I was hurt. Lied to. Not loved the way Christ loves the church, as I fully expected to be. But let’s be honest: It can’t all be up to the man. I was flat-out ugly to my husband for a long time. I had zero respect for him and I didn’t trust him. To me, saying my actions were justified isn’t a valid argument (even though that’s the argument I used for 3 solid years). I am always responsible for my actions before God. But I could change my husband! I just knew I could! (And if not, I could get a new one! I could still live my dream life! I was so deceived.) What an exhausting, futile task.

And up until January 2013, that’s what I was: Exhausted. I was tired of fighting. Tired of keeping all of my anger and bitterness so deep down inside of me that I was beginning to not even recognize myself. Because that’s what anger and bitterness do. They eat you alive, until anything resembling a redeemed child of God is so gnawed to bits, it’s not worth restoring. At least that’s what I let the enemy tell me. But God, my Redeemer, Restorer, Healer, and Pursuer didn’t think so. But I wasn’t really interested in knowing what He thought. At least not in that area of my life. The most tiring part of it all was the pretending part. Only a few people who love me dearly and unconditionally could tell that everything wasn’t rainbows and roses. I can be a good actress. A great one. I can put a positive spin on anything, smile, and change the subject. Or avoid it all together. But three years of pretense wore me out.

On January 6, 2013 I told my husband that I couldn’t do it anymore. He was one of the ones who had believed my little act. When I told him that I had thought of leaving him, I think he came close to having a heart attack. That probably wasn’t the best way to handle things, but it did get his attention. You see, the thing about holding in three years of anger and hurt is that when it all comes to the surface, it doesn’t just seep out slowly. It explodes. Like a volcano. Words spewed out of my mouth like hot lava and when I was done erupting all I could see was the ash that had settled. I knew it was over. But my God is in the business of making beauty from ashes.

God wouldn’t let me leave. And at the end of the day, I really didn’t want to. I still wanted a strong, healthy, intimate, God-honoring marriage. I just didn’t believe it was possible with my current husband. But my God is faithful. (That’s my word for 2013…faithful.)

I really do believe that God can take anything (read: anything) we go through and use it for His glory and purpose. If He can’t, then He’s not God. 

I love my husband, and he loves me. Things are still not always rainbows and roses, but seriously, whose marriage is? God is rebuilding what had been torn down. But instead of building it on shaky expectations and two very imperfect humans, it’s being built on Christ the Cornerstone. He is healing my hurt. He is showing me that He is everything I need. Everything. Husbands are wonderful, but they are not God. How unfair (to both of us) to treat any man as my all in all. It’s a recipe for disaster.

2012 was a life-changing year for me spiritually. Jesus pulled me out of a pit of apathy in which I had become quite comfortable and miserable at the same time. He filled my heart with His light and His Word and I gladly threw away my shovel. During a specific women’s ministry weekend in January and a six-week Bible study from January to March, the Bible came alive to me. That’s the only way I know how to describe it. For the first time in my memory I wanted Jesus for myself, and I could. not. get. enough. I soaked up scripture like a sponge. I literally exclaimed one day while studying Deuteronomy, “Where has this been all my life?!” I will always look back on that year with fondness, humility, and thankfulness. There is no going back.

But people can have more than one pit at a time. Even though I was finding my spiritual footing, my marriage was free-falling. And let me tell you, the incongruence was flat out frustrating. Now (May 2013), I am hardly close to having it all together. But my God is faithful. He has pulled me out of yet another pit (this was a pit of deception, despair, and stubbornness) and set my feet on solid ground. I feel like my life can move forward. My husband is beside me, and our God goes before and behind us.

It’s incredible how things change when both people in a marriage are seeking God. We are submitted (and re-submitted…daily) to His will. Honestly, we’re just plain nicer to each other now. We are both growing individually and together. Conversations are taking place that I had decided would probably never happen. I don’t want to take any of it for granted. I am so scared of slacking off, forgetting, and ending up in the same, dark pit as before without even realizing it until I smack the cold, hard bottom. I want to remember where we were six short months ago. Regression is as sly as a fox, and oh so dangerous. 2 John, verse 8 warns: “Watch yourselves, so that you may not lose what we have worked for, but may win a full reward.” Jesus, please keep me humble. I do not for one second want to steal your glory. You have brought us so far. We want the full reward. (Deut. 8)

For three years I was held captive by bitterness, anger, and hurt. I had a death grip on “my plan”. But Jesus has set me free! He is faithful. Oh, that I would walk daily in His freedom, and not as one who is still in shackles. Jesus brought me out. Deuteronomy 6:23 tells me that, “He brought us out from there that he might bring us in and give us the land that he swore to give to our fathers.”

And does He ever deliver.

The First Step

{source}

Someone recently asked me how long it takes to forgive, and what that process is like. She wanted to know if what she was experiencing in her darkest, most painful time was normal.

I've forgiven a lot in my life. 

"To be a Christian means to forgive the inexcusable because God has forgiven the inexcusable in you." - C. S. Lewis

It's not an expertise I would have chosen, but I do know how to forgive. I learned the hard way (as usual). My friend was hurt deeply by someone she trusted, and wants to save the relationship, but is still reeling from the sting of unfaithfulness and deception.

I told her this: when you are hurt, seemingly beyond repair, there is hope. There is always hope.

Forgiveness is a decision. It's not an emotion (although sometimes it's extremely emotional) and it's not something that can be done halfway. I've seen partial forgiveness, or "conditional" forgiveness, destroy people. Unforgiveness poisons the healing process with bitterness, mistrust, and vengeance. "Relationships are built on trust" and I can tell you it's impossible to trust someone you haven't forgiven. I decided to forgive my husband six years ago. It didn't lessen the pain of betrayal or make me any less grief-stricken or angry. But it gave me hope. It made a future together seem possible again. It released me from the false responsibility of punishing him. It freed me from being a victim.

Forgiveness is a decision. Sometimes a relationship is damaged beyond repair - the hurt is too deep, the sin against you too grave. Or perhaps worst of all, you are the only one who wants reconciliation. But unforgiveness will only make that chasm, which already aches, collapse into your very soul and cling tight. Sometimes healing isn't about fixing a relationship. Sometimes the hope is that after we walk through fire, we choose forgiveness that keeps our scars from defining us.

"I have decided to stick with love. Hate is too great a burden to bear." - Martin Luthor King, Jr

Forgiveness is a decision. Healing is a journey. And forgiveness is the first step. (Watch out, it's a doozy.)

So, when you want to forgive but aren't feeling it....what then? A broken heart hurts - sometimes it physically hurts - and causes anger and suspicion and grief. And it's ok to feel those emotions. Honestly it be a little weird if you didn't! But what I've learned is that I can't trust my emotions. What I can trust is the truth: there is always, always hope. Hope always follows after forgiveness.

Suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. Now hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us. Romans 5:3-5

Make the decision, and be free. A free soul, once healed, will be strong enough to trust and love again.

"Write This Down."

{The Story} by Bethany

It all started at the beach.

Melissa and I had traveled to Panama City Beach as youth sponsors for church camp. Halfway through the week we took our Bibles and our coffee down to the shore for our scheduled quiet time. Many words have been used to describe the beach: Soothing, relaxing, calm, musical. But those words don’t really capture the feeling of digging your toes into the white powder, smelling (and tasting) the salty air, peering across the navy blue sea trying to see where it ends, and hearing those powerful waves crash consistently on the shore line. All of your senses are engaged and it feels like you are sitting before a private symphony. An involved spectator.

For a while we sat in silence, alternating between reading Scripture and watching a rainstorm. We watched a giant cloud get heavier and darker until it burst at one end, then in the middle, and all the way to the other end until it had emptied itself. Any other setting probably would have offered an obstructed view. A tree or building or even a mountain could have concealed one end of the cloud. But since it was over the ocean, we got to watch the whole show.

Eventually we began talking about camp, relationships, marriage, and life. I honestly don’t remember much of the content, but at some point I decided to share with Melissa something I had written about six weeks earlier. It was a testimony of sorts, the story of God’s grace in my life over the past several months. I told her how when I had shared it with my closest friend and mentor, she had spoken something over me. She told me that I was going to write someday, and probably teach. It may be books or Bible studies, but she was convinced that I am going to write to women in some capacity. I responded with something like, “Ok. Sure…thanks.” Little did I know, Melissa’s friend and ministry leader had once spoken something very similar over Melissa. We chuckled at the irony. Then Melissa said, “Do you want to start a blog?” Um, yes. We briefly discussed content possibilities, and got pretty excited. We could take turns posting. What would the name be? Who would it be for? After a minute it was time to go inside for the evening session.

The Spirit was heavy during the music portion of the service. I wasn’t thinking about the blog until the band started playing “Beautiful Things” by Gungor. The chorus simply says,

You make beautiful things

You make beautiful things out of dust

You make beautiful things

You make beautiful things out of us.

The lyrics are beautiful and true and such a representation of what God has done in both my life and Melissa’s. When I sat down after the song, I leaned over and whispered to Melissa, “That would be a good title for a blog. Beautiful things.” I had no idea that she had prayed God would give us a title for the blog (before leaving camp!) as confirmation that the idea was from Him. She had been about to suggest the same thing! She described it later by saying that the Holy Spirit smacked us both upside the head simultaneously. We instantly began bawling and laughing, unable to decide which emotion was going to win. People were a little embarrassed for us, I think, as we were causing quite a scene. But Jesus had just spoken to us both and confirmed that this was no trite idea, but a vision straight from His mind to ours. So there it was. Beautiful Things.

The only word I can use to describe this time is overwhelming. I have no idea what will come of this blog, how long it will last, or if it will develop into any kind of face-to-face ministry. We don’t want to move unless God moves. We don’t want it to ever become an outlet for creativity or a place to indulge the flesh. “Unless the LORD builds the house, those who build it labor in vain.” (Ps 127:1) May it be always, only ALL for Him.

{Revelation 21} by Melissa

After we returned from the beach, Bethany and I began to develop our answer to this word we received. First and most importantly, we got our husbands' blessings, since their stories are intertwined with ours. Next, we sought out advice and prayer from the two women who had whispered the words you're a writer over us individually, years apart, but who "happen" to be sister-friends. (I don't believe in coincidence, by the way...)

Finally, after a week of prayer and discussion, we sat down with our Bibles and mugs of coffee in front of my home computer, and asked each other, "Ok, how do we start a blog?" After an hour of overthinking and dead ends, we prayed and I opened my Bible to the passage that inspired Gungor's song "Beautiful Things:" Revelation 21.

Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and the sea was no more. And I saw the holy city, new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride adorned for her husband. And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, "Behold, the dwelling place of God is with man. He will dwell with them, and they will be his people, and God himself will be with them as their God. He will wipe away every tear for their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.

And he who was seated on the throne said, "Behold, I am making all things new." Also He said, "Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true." And he said to me, "It is done! I am the Alpha and the Omega, the beginning and the end. To the thirsty I will give from the spring of the water of life without payment. The one who conquers will have this heritage, and I will be his God and he will be my son."

At first, we thought we'd start a little blog to write about our marriage testimonies. As we talked and prayed, the vision grew. Then Revelation 21 blew it up. We felt an eternal purpose for the first time since "Beautiful Things" was born. God rescued me and made me new and there's more to come.

As Bethany and I share our stories, our intent is to stand as witnesses that God's faithfulness never fails. He is Redeemer. He is Healer. He has eradicated the old things in my life, and He has made me new. No area was left untouched: my marriage, my personal baggage from childhood, the way I parent, even the fundamental purpose of my life was changed. And that is a story that needs telling.

The Spirit and the Bride say, "Come." And let the one who hears say, "Come." And let the one who is thirsty come; let the one who desires take the water of life without price. {Revelation 22:17}