Here is the second half of what I wrote at the beginning of the summer. Read
Part I here.
PART
II
I’m convinced that one of the ways God keeps me humble
is by taking my carefully organized plans, running them through a shredder,
recycling the paper (God is not wasteful, you know), and drawing up entirely
new blueprints. He never ceases to surprise me. Case in point: I thoroughly
expected to be in the Tyler, TX area for four or five years. After that, we
would move to Longview with our two (maybe three by then) perfect children and
raise our family in Mayberry East Texas, accents and all. When my
“second family” moved to the area, it just sealed the deal. They had lived
across the country for two years, and now I was never again letting them out of
my sight.
Would you like me to help you plug in that shredder,
God?
Rewind a little. At the beginning of the year we both
sensed that God was moving us. We weren’t sure where, but we were pretty
convinced it was Longview. And since that fit in with my plan (Ahead of
schedule! Great!), we began to pursue it. We had made some wonderful friends
where we were and we loved our house, but we were just feeling unsettled. So
Ryan began applying at schools in the Longview area. After several weeks
without so much as a nibble, we let the line rest and decided to discuss our
options. Keep in mind, this is the first time we were both seeking God together on a major life decision.
One evening we began talking about church. After three
years of marriage we still hadn’t found a church home. We attended church
wherever we lived, and had even become bona-fide members of a local Baptist
church. We had a Sunday school class. I volunteered in a toddler class at
AWANA. Ryan served in the youth group at a neighboring church on Wednesday
nights. But we never really planted.
And it was killing me. Suddenly I had a thought. I truly believe God placed it
in my head. I told Ryan, “I think we’ve been approaching this job thing the
wrong way. What if we found a church first, then looked for a job?”
Duh. Why did it take three years to figure that out?
I told Ryan that for several months I had felt a
connection with a church I had never attended. It was a new church, and I had
only attended a women’s event and listened to a few podcasts. But I knew a few
incredible people that called it home, and could see the impact this church was
having on families and the community. Jesus liked this church. And I wanted to
be a part of it. We were supposed
to be a part of it. The only problem? It was in Houston.
All through college and the first two years of our
marriage I had been ready to dash back to my roots as soon as the opportunity
arose. Can you hear the paper shredding? About a year ago I changed my mind. I
had fallen in love with East Texas. I love the way people talk, the cow
pastures I pass on the way to Wal-Mart, how the entire town travels with the
football team on Friday nights, and the slower pace of life. I really was okay
not living in Houston. I wanted to be where I was. Bloom where I was planted,
that sort of thing. But this church…I just couldn’t get it out of my mind or
off of my heart.
Ryan, who was born and raised in Northeast Texas and
was itching for a change of scenery, promptly applied to approximately 47
Houston-area schools. Okay, maybe 8. Or 9. Time to sit back and wait for the
phone to ring. And it did. From a school in Longview. Of course, we weren’t
going to pass up the interview, but I admit, I was completely confused (and
even a bit upset) when they offered Ryan the job on the spot. Wasn’t God
pleased with how we were looking for a church first? Didn’t he want us at the
amazing one in Houston? Six months earlier, a job in LV would have been a dream
come true. I would once again be near my “second family”, cheering for my boys
(players and coach) on the sidelines on Friday nights. Rainbows and roses. It
was ours for the taking.
I needed clear direction, and fast. I just wanted to
make the right decision. I wanted to do what God wanted us to do. While praying
and fasting one Wednesday morning, I told God that if He wanted us in Houston,
one of those 47 schools needed to call Ryan in for an interview. By Friday. (I
was specific.)
God doesn’t mess around. He knows our hearts better
than we do, because He created us. He knows when I’m pretending, when my
motives aren’t pure, and when I legitimately want to please Him. My earnest
prayer that Wednesday was that God would know my heart and would test me to see
if there was any offensive way in me. I was willing to shred my own plans, if
you will. I think this is what the Bible is talking about in Psalm 37 when it
says, “Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your
heart.” My desire was (is!) to please Him. May that always ring true in my
heart.
Thursday, the phone rang again. An interview was set
up at College Park High School in The Woodlands for the following Monday. I was
blown away. I had never even heard of that school, but we both knew it was the
one. There have definitely been days where I’ve told myself we’re morons for
turning down the job in LV. I get nervous about living in the city again,
dealing with traffic, the cost of living, a new job, etc. I miss the cow
pastures and my one-red-light town and my friends and I haven’t even packed a
box yet. Then I think of our new church
and I am filled with peace and deep contentment. After the first visit on
Easter weekend, before Ryan even had an interview, we felt at home.
I am overcome with thankfulness and humility that
Jesus is allowing us to become a part of this House. He doesn’t need us there.
But He will use us if we’re willing. I am so excited about getting plugged in
and serving that I can hardly stand it. I am hungry for a church that is on
fire in their love for Jesus and His
people. And these people aren’t playing games. Someone described it the other
night by saying, “We are very awake.” They are on a mission. I can see it on
their faces and in their worship and feel it in their hugs. They just want to
love God more and love people into the Kingdom. I feel so inadequate to be a
part of that, but really, we all are. We’re all imperfect brothers and sisters
who strive and fall and lift up and encourage. We all have pasts and pride and
weaknesses and brokenness. But we are madly in love with a God who restores and
humbles and equips and heals and breathes life into dry bones and loves us
unconditionally. He is our very life. And He grants us the immense blessing of
doing life together and in communion with Him and for Him. It’s all for Him. He
is so faithful and good and worthy.
I am giddy thinking about all that is yet to come.
This is just the beginning of our new adventure. How will he grow us in the
days, months, and years ahead? All I want is to be more like Him and to love
Him wildly. I pray that is Ryan’s desire as well. We move into our new home on
June 30. There is another blessing. We were getting so discouraged with housing
options, but yesterday God dropped the perfect place in our laps. He went above
and beyond our expectations. When we left the leasing office I wanted to cry
and sing and shout. I was in awe of his goodness and flat-out kindness. He is
just so nice to me, and He doesn’t have to be!
Jesus, thank you. Those words sound so pitiful and
trite, but you know my heart. I love you so much. Thank you for loving me and
for saving me. You are the wildest ride of my life. Help me to love you more…in
a way that is not even natural, so that I can only give you credit for it.
Please, please give me a heart of humility. Help me to remember where you
brought me from, so that I don’t forget. You are bringing me into a good land. I want to take possession of it. I don’t want
to miss one single thing. Jesus, I am overwhelmed by your faithfulness. Mold me
into the woman you want me to be. I’m here. Use me, shape me. Make me BOLD for
you. Thank you in advance for what you are going to do. You who began a good
work in me will see it to completion. I love you so. Let it be.
“Faith is not the clinging to a shrine, but an endless pilgrimage of the heart. Audacious longing, burning songs, and impulse overwhelming the heart, usurping the mind—these are all a drive towards serving Him who rings our hearts like a bell.” -Abraham Joshua Heschel
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