As much as I don’t like to admit it,
I’ve always been one of those people that feels like I don’t have much of a
testimony. I was raised in church, my parents never split up, and my most
rebellious act in high school was pulling the “I’m 18 and you can’t stop me”
card when I wanted to get my cartilage pierced. No, really. I am far from
perfect and have plenty of regrets, but the story of how I accepted Jesus as my
Savior probably won’t make anyone grab the tissues. I know that my “easy” life
is evidence of God’s grace, and I am so thankful that I didn’t have to learn
everything the hard way. However, only in the past year have I really felt like
I had a story worth sharing. [This was not really the case. It was a cop out.]
You see, I’ve realized that a person’s testimony is SO much more than the
events and choices leading up to the moment they walk down a church aisle and
pray a prayer. Yes, that’s where it starts…but the story doesn’t end there.
It’s only the beginning for those who are in Christ. He is always renewing,
redeeming, writing my story. YOUR story. My testimony will be different two
years from now and ten years from then because Jesus’ work is not done.
So,
for now, here’s what God’s been up to.
(The
following was written on May 26, 2013 as a journal entry. I had no intended
audience, and the idea of a blog had not crossed my mind. I’ve tweaked some of
the wording and directed it towards you, the reader I never planned on having.)
PART
I
Need to get my thoughts out. I am so overwhelmed right
now, but I think it’s all good. God is so good to me. So I think mainly I’m
overwhelmed with His goodness, His kindness…with thankfulness. At the same time
I feel so far from where I want to be. So much growing still to come. I just
want to be found faithful. Yet I find myself praying the same prayers over and
over again. Same failures. Same hopes. Same doubts. I suppose that’s how it
goes. How would we ever understand or appreciate His “new mercies” if we got
everything right the first time?
I guess I should probably document somewhere what all has been going on in our lives over the last several months. It could make for some fun reading ten or fifty years down the road. This could come as a shock to some of you (or not), but my marriage was on the brink of disaster for a while. I was never really intentional about anything in my marriage until a few months ago. It wasn’t easy, it wasn’t what I thought it would be, and I was hurt as a result of certain choices. So why try? Let’s just live our lives under the same roof, but as two completely independent individuals. Suffice to say there was never really a “honeymoon phase” for us.
And it’s always two-sided. Yes, I was hurt. Lied to. Not loved the way Christ loves the church, as I fully expected to be. But let’s be honest: It can’t all be up to the man. I was flat-out ugly to my husband for a long time. I had zero respect for him and I didn’t trust him. To me, saying my actions were justified isn’t a valid argument (even though that’s the argument I used for 3 solid years). I am always responsible for my actions before God. But I could change my husband! I just knew I could! (And if not, I could get a new one! I could still live my dream life! I was so deceived.) What an exhausting, futile task.
And up until January 2013, that’s what I was: Exhausted. I was tired of fighting. Tired of keeping all of my anger and bitterness so deep down inside of me that I was beginning to not even recognize myself. Because that’s what anger and bitterness do. They eat you alive, until anything resembling a redeemed child of God is so gnawed to bits, it’s not worth restoring. At least that’s what I let the enemy tell me. But God, my Redeemer, Restorer, Healer, and Pursuer didn’t think so. But I wasn’t really interested in knowing what He thought. At least not in that area of my life. The most tiring part of it all was the pretending part. Only a few people who love me dearly and unconditionally could tell that everything wasn’t rainbows and roses. I can be a good actress. A great one. I can put a positive spin on anything, smile, and change the subject. Or avoid it all together. But three years of pretense wore me out.
On January 6, 2013 I told my husband that I couldn’t do it anymore. He was one of the ones who had believed my little act. When I told him that I had thought of leaving him, I think he came close to having a heart attack. That probably wasn’t the best way to handle things, but it did get his attention. You see, the thing about holding in three years of anger and hurt is that when it all comes to the surface, it doesn’t just seep out slowly. It explodes. Like a volcano. Words spewed out of my mouth like hot lava and when I was done erupting all I could see was the ash that had settled. I knew it was over. But my God is in the business of making beauty from ashes.
God wouldn’t let me leave. And at the end of the day, I really didn’t want to. I still wanted a strong, healthy, intimate, God-honoring marriage. I just didn’t believe it was possible with my current husband. But my God is faithful. (That’s my word for 2013…faithful.)
I really do believe that God can take anything (read: anything) we go through and use it for His glory and purpose. If He can’t, then He’s not God.
I love my husband, and he loves me. Things are still not always rainbows and roses, but seriously, whose marriage is? God is rebuilding what had been torn down. But instead of building it on shaky expectations and two very imperfect humans, it’s being built on Christ the Cornerstone. He is healing my hurt. He is showing me that He is everything I need. Everything. Husbands are wonderful, but they are not God. How unfair (to both of us) to treat any man as my all in all. It’s a recipe for disaster.
2012 was a life-changing year for me spiritually. Jesus pulled me out of a pit of apathy in which I had become quite comfortable and miserable at the same time. He filled my heart with His light and His Word and I gladly threw away my shovel. During a specific women’s ministry weekend in January and a six-week Bible study from January to March, the Bible came alive to me. That’s the only way I know how to describe it. For the first time in my memory I wanted Jesus for myself, and I could. not. get. enough. I soaked up scripture like a sponge. I literally exclaimed one day while studying Deuteronomy, “Where has this been all my life?!” I will always look back on that year with fondness, humility, and thankfulness. There is no going back.
But people can have more than one pit at a time. Even though I was finding my spiritual footing, my marriage was free-falling. And let me tell you, the incongruence was flat out frustrating. Now (May 2013), I am hardly close to having it all together. But my God is faithful. He has pulled me out of yet another pit (this was a pit of deception, despair, and stubbornness) and set my feet on solid ground. I feel like my life can move forward. My husband is beside me, and our God goes before and behind us.
It’s incredible how things change when both people in a marriage are seeking God. We are submitted (and re-submitted…daily) to His will. Honestly, we’re just plain nicer to each other now. We are both growing individually and together. Conversations are taking place that I had decided would probably never happen. I don’t want to take any of it for granted. I am so scared of slacking off, forgetting, and ending up in the same, dark pit as before without even realizing it until I smack the cold, hard bottom. I want to remember where we were six short months ago. Regression is as sly as a fox, and oh so dangerous. 2 John, verse 8 warns: “Watch yourselves, so that you may not lose what we have worked for, but may win a full reward.” Jesus, please keep me humble. I do not for one second want to steal your glory. You have brought us so far. We want the full reward. (Deut. 8)
For three years I was held captive by bitterness, anger, and hurt. I had a death grip on “my plan”. But Jesus has set me free! He is faithful. Oh, that I would walk daily in His freedom, and not as one who is still in shackles. Jesus brought me out. Deuteronomy 6:23 tells me that, “He brought us out from there that he might bring us in and give us the land that he swore to give to our fathers.”
I guess I should probably document somewhere what all has been going on in our lives over the last several months. It could make for some fun reading ten or fifty years down the road. This could come as a shock to some of you (or not), but my marriage was on the brink of disaster for a while. I was never really intentional about anything in my marriage until a few months ago. It wasn’t easy, it wasn’t what I thought it would be, and I was hurt as a result of certain choices. So why try? Let’s just live our lives under the same roof, but as two completely independent individuals. Suffice to say there was never really a “honeymoon phase” for us.
And it’s always two-sided. Yes, I was hurt. Lied to. Not loved the way Christ loves the church, as I fully expected to be. But let’s be honest: It can’t all be up to the man. I was flat-out ugly to my husband for a long time. I had zero respect for him and I didn’t trust him. To me, saying my actions were justified isn’t a valid argument (even though that’s the argument I used for 3 solid years). I am always responsible for my actions before God. But I could change my husband! I just knew I could! (And if not, I could get a new one! I could still live my dream life! I was so deceived.) What an exhausting, futile task.
And up until January 2013, that’s what I was: Exhausted. I was tired of fighting. Tired of keeping all of my anger and bitterness so deep down inside of me that I was beginning to not even recognize myself. Because that’s what anger and bitterness do. They eat you alive, until anything resembling a redeemed child of God is so gnawed to bits, it’s not worth restoring. At least that’s what I let the enemy tell me. But God, my Redeemer, Restorer, Healer, and Pursuer didn’t think so. But I wasn’t really interested in knowing what He thought. At least not in that area of my life. The most tiring part of it all was the pretending part. Only a few people who love me dearly and unconditionally could tell that everything wasn’t rainbows and roses. I can be a good actress. A great one. I can put a positive spin on anything, smile, and change the subject. Or avoid it all together. But three years of pretense wore me out.
On January 6, 2013 I told my husband that I couldn’t do it anymore. He was one of the ones who had believed my little act. When I told him that I had thought of leaving him, I think he came close to having a heart attack. That probably wasn’t the best way to handle things, but it did get his attention. You see, the thing about holding in three years of anger and hurt is that when it all comes to the surface, it doesn’t just seep out slowly. It explodes. Like a volcano. Words spewed out of my mouth like hot lava and when I was done erupting all I could see was the ash that had settled. I knew it was over. But my God is in the business of making beauty from ashes.
God wouldn’t let me leave. And at the end of the day, I really didn’t want to. I still wanted a strong, healthy, intimate, God-honoring marriage. I just didn’t believe it was possible with my current husband. But my God is faithful. (That’s my word for 2013…faithful.)
I really do believe that God can take anything (read: anything) we go through and use it for His glory and purpose. If He can’t, then He’s not God.
I love my husband, and he loves me. Things are still not always rainbows and roses, but seriously, whose marriage is? God is rebuilding what had been torn down. But instead of building it on shaky expectations and two very imperfect humans, it’s being built on Christ the Cornerstone. He is healing my hurt. He is showing me that He is everything I need. Everything. Husbands are wonderful, but they are not God. How unfair (to both of us) to treat any man as my all in all. It’s a recipe for disaster.
2012 was a life-changing year for me spiritually. Jesus pulled me out of a pit of apathy in which I had become quite comfortable and miserable at the same time. He filled my heart with His light and His Word and I gladly threw away my shovel. During a specific women’s ministry weekend in January and a six-week Bible study from January to March, the Bible came alive to me. That’s the only way I know how to describe it. For the first time in my memory I wanted Jesus for myself, and I could. not. get. enough. I soaked up scripture like a sponge. I literally exclaimed one day while studying Deuteronomy, “Where has this been all my life?!” I will always look back on that year with fondness, humility, and thankfulness. There is no going back.
But people can have more than one pit at a time. Even though I was finding my spiritual footing, my marriage was free-falling. And let me tell you, the incongruence was flat out frustrating. Now (May 2013), I am hardly close to having it all together. But my God is faithful. He has pulled me out of yet another pit (this was a pit of deception, despair, and stubbornness) and set my feet on solid ground. I feel like my life can move forward. My husband is beside me, and our God goes before and behind us.
It’s incredible how things change when both people in a marriage are seeking God. We are submitted (and re-submitted…daily) to His will. Honestly, we’re just plain nicer to each other now. We are both growing individually and together. Conversations are taking place that I had decided would probably never happen. I don’t want to take any of it for granted. I am so scared of slacking off, forgetting, and ending up in the same, dark pit as before without even realizing it until I smack the cold, hard bottom. I want to remember where we were six short months ago. Regression is as sly as a fox, and oh so dangerous. 2 John, verse 8 warns: “Watch yourselves, so that you may not lose what we have worked for, but may win a full reward.” Jesus, please keep me humble. I do not for one second want to steal your glory. You have brought us so far. We want the full reward. (Deut. 8)
For three years I was held captive by bitterness, anger, and hurt. I had a death grip on “my plan”. But Jesus has set me free! He is faithful. Oh, that I would walk daily in His freedom, and not as one who is still in shackles. Jesus brought me out. Deuteronomy 6:23 tells me that, “He brought us out from there that he might bring us in and give us the land that he swore to give to our fathers.”
And does He ever deliver.
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